It’s that time of the year! The 167 Best, Funniest Tweets of All Time!
— Gabri (@GabriSMM) November 23, 2016
— Gabri (@GabriSMM) December 1, 2016
— Gabri (@GabriSMM) December 1, 2016
Trump has made it so that it feels difficult and wrong to talk about anything that isn't him and I think that's all he's ever wanted.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) November 29, 2016
— Rich Drees (@RichDrees) November 9, 2016
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it pic.twitter.com/j864rH9eG8
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) November 28, 2013
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013
"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" – Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 5, 2012
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
— @TitansHomer (@TitansHomer) December 28, 2012
— TF Reviews (@btfrxyz) November 18, 2016
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
— Scotty (@MarylandMudflap) April 26, 2012
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
— blake (@Leemanish) March 24, 2013
"Are you sexually active?"
"Any drug use?"
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) July 10, 2013
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2013
"Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." – Cargo Shorts
— Artie Johann (@DearAnyone) December 9, 2010
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) November 19, 2012
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) March 23, 2013
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
— brendan (@superduperkewl) September 15, 2011
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
— Cohen KING OF GHOSTS (@skullmandible) August 29, 2013
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
— Joshua Allen (@fireland) June 30, 2009
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
— Damn Dirty Ape (@Zaius13) July 28, 2010
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) March 11, 2014
My neighbor has an unsecured, wireless printer. I just sent this document to it. pic.twitter.com/dBvSmTpfpp
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) July 10, 2013
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito. He looked up at me. I looked at him. I whispered, "It's not your fault." He wept in my arms.
— Darin Ross (@luckyshirt) August 13, 2013
Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
— RoughDiction (@roughdiction) August 3, 2009
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
— Alfred E Nudesman (@mattytalks) January 8, 2012
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) January 15, 2013
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett) May 8, 2013
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 19, 2014
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
— Orenthal J Simpkinsn (@OSimpkinsn) April 6, 2014
[me] goodnight moon
[moon] new phone who dis
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 1, 2014
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 19, 2014
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom. pic.twitter.com/IOo89Vypy7
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) March 16, 2014
"You CAN even."
– white girl life coach
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 19, 2014
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) March 13, 2012
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket*
"Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
— matt (@shadygrenade) June 5, 2014
he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest
— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) February 21, 2014
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 5, 2014
"Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'…" – Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) December 28, 2012
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
— Noël Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 1, 2014
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
— Justin Furano (@JustinFurano) February 13, 2012
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
— Witchy Woman (@dreamthievin) January 30, 2012
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.
— moody monday (@mdob11) September 23, 2013
You have no idea how quickly I jumped off the couch to take this picture. pic.twitter.com/ocbTxBdt7Q
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) May 22, 2013
Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
— Birthday Dad (@Playing_Dad) September 3, 2013
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 23, 2014
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references:
princes kneel before you
Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
— Ace… Ace? (@AceMakesWords) April 12, 2013
if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
— wint (@dril) July 28, 2013
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
— Phetz checkmark.jpg (@MrPhetz) June 25, 2012
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
— mustard (@nice_mustard) September 3, 2013
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
— sreegs (@ahuj9) September 16, 2011
YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
— BeardSpice (@BeardSpice) May 22, 2014
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
"Sir, those are Band-Aids."
Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
— Big Money Rowlf (@iRowlf) April 4, 2013
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 14, 2014
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 8, 2012
My new business cards just came in pic.twitter.com/PIy9GC526u
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) April 15, 2014
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
— Cohen KING OF GHOSTS (@skullmandible) September 20, 2013
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 4, 2014
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
— mustard (@nice_mustard) September 19, 2012
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
— Daniel Kibblesmith❄️ (@kibblesmith) August 16, 2013
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 29, 2014
I want a lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and 2 ladies flanking the east tower. Hold for my signal. We're gonna get that bastard
— Scott Thompson (@greenteam15) August 13, 2013
Hi I'm Ben Franklin and this is Jackass!
*Flies a kite in a thunder storm*
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) November 22, 2014
Maybe if you knew Garfield's parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn't be so judgmental.
— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) August 14, 2015
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
— yeah, phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 29, 2014
Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
— brendle (@brendlewhat) February 4, 2012
[loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) December 9, 2015
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
my favorite part of moby dick is when it says dick right there on the cover lmao
— , (@Karate_Horse) September 24, 2015
do people who run know that we're not food anymore
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 20, 2014
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen KING OF GHOSTS (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
I see you shiver with antici …
— Frank Furter (@DrFNFurter) May 8, 2009
— Frank Furter (@DrFNFurter) May 8, 2014
The serving size for pizza is "until you hate yourself"
— #1 samir (@samir) May 30, 2015
Jaden Smith just opened a shoe shop pic.twitter.com/zbVAitFnrO
— dan (@Danorako) August 29, 2014
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"
Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: …*clenches fists
Dad: *sweats profusely
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD
— Guy Dangerous (@Lerky) October 24, 2015
"What's your name, son?"
"Uhhhh…" [looks at cop's shirt pocket] pic.twitter.com/zhgzInhIAT
— josh (@ruinedpicnic) December 22, 2015
CrossFit is just Fight Club if the first two rules were the opposite.
— Daniel Kibblesmith❄️ (@kibblesmith) March 9, 2015
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 12, 2015
Can you say your strengths?
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
— don. just don (@dongfuture) August 20, 2014
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 25, 2013
GUY: What does it eat?
ME: [falcon perched on shoulder] Updog
*falcon starts break dancing*
ME: Not yet Tyler, wait until he asks what it is
— huntigula (@huntigula) August 7, 2015
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"
— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) June 8, 2015
just relized stonehenge spells out the secrt message "n n n n n n n n n" but what does it mean. wat are they trying to say
— Teddy T (@lizard_wizard77) June 10, 2012
When you first start the RPG vs. when you get to Level 99 pic.twitter.com/IpmWvIGo7f
— Josh (@Exhibit__J) December 14, 2015
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) December 17, 2013
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others pic.twitter.com/KASFAIIQWc
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) April 8, 2015
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge pic.twitter.com/MF8ME8tJOM
— James Kirkpatrick (@James_Kpatrick) April 5, 2013
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
— Matt Tobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
Well, well, well, if it isn't the guy from Twitter that told me to go fuck myself pic.twitter.com/GqEI5H6Ot8
— Jhingle Balls (@JhonRules) August 28, 2015
"I just tried to make reservations at the library"
You don't need a res-
"Couldn't get one though"
Don't do this
"They were fully booked"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 4, 2015
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 1, 2013
my roommate bansky is at it again. he made coffee and said he put something inside that would "REALLY wake me up" pic.twitter.com/DRD0uCneHU
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 15, 2014
okay thanks pic.twitter.com/xQpctehYfB
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 10, 2015
Alex Trebek: (into mirror) Who is alex trebek
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) August 21, 2015
Remember: You can do anything you want, go anywhere you like. The only thing stopping you is your mind. Set yourself free! There are no limi
— Peter Serafinowicz (@serafinowicz) October 12, 2013
*white people breathe a sigh of relief* pic.twitter.com/gUP6ivUH8T
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) December 12, 2014
Oh hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play FarmVille, looks like tables have fucking turned
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) May 15, 2014
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) September 13, 2014
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) November 11, 2013
I always think this section of emojis is like a Rihanna video. pic.twitter.com/dPVyEnRvMN
— yersinia pestis (@jcgregs) April 8, 2015
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
*sees New Balance 609s hanging on wire*
*hears faint "hi scared, I'm dad" echoing through neighborhood*
— jolly luke (@internetluke) November 22, 2014
I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat
Is there a ??
“There are 14”
I’d like to solve. ‘OMG LOL I CAN’T EVEN ??????????????’
“You got it”
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) July 21, 2014
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014
Guy in a suit: I'm an idea man.
Guy on mushrooms: I'm an idea, man.
— Bez (@Bez) October 17, 2013
to the person who made their laser tag name Cool Sex Falcon please return to the front so we can give you a real gun
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) January 9, 2012
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
— Danielle Grace (@danimgrace) May 12, 2015
[losing badly in a contest]
guys its not a contest
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) November 18, 2015
[Down with the Sickness plays as I continue to push a pull door]
— Thynebear (@Thynebear) August 7, 2014
control this is uhh definitely one of the astronauts… umm… what would you do if a janitor got stuck on the shuttle somehow ……over.
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) June 12, 2014
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow's wedding]
— nasiba (@3nymph) May 26, 2015
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014
"sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"
*turns to camera*
*cop starts breakdancing*
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) June 18, 2013
seems like a TRULY crazy train wouldn't need to announce "all aboard"
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) February 22, 2016
.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 9, 2013
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 22, 2013
"When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." pic.twitter.com/ObX0hUv863
— Wreathan Booker (@Ethan_Booker) December 13, 2014
[with mouth full of Pop Rocks] "A DIVORCE?"
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) January 28, 2015
Romeo: check out this cat video
Juliet: omg dead ?
Juliet: i didn't mean literally dead
— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 21, 2015
"So terribly sorry to hear of your ninety and nine problems." pic.twitter.com/S2zxEAhicd
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) December 9, 2014
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That's Chappie
— vineyille (@vineyille) March 23, 2015
<) )╯ ALAS
( (> POOR
<) )> YORICK
— Josh A. Cagan (@joshacagan) June 12, 2015
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015
when sensei farts in the dojo, but then you remember you have to avenge your father's deathhttps://t.co/wersxSHaf6
— Wreathan Booker (@Ethan_Booker) June 12, 2015
me: I have a bachelors degree
waiter: so do I
bus boy: so do I
rat feeding on crumbs under the table: hey me too
— Erica Rose (@erica_rosie) February 21, 2016
Do you think you'd make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
— @nd®é™ (@AndreTheViking) September 4, 2014
What do we want? CLICKBAIT
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
— Andy Vale (@AndyVale) August 26, 2015
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
COP: lets get taco bell
COP: text ur ex
COP: ok ur good
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 8, 2016
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) February 27, 2014
Come to Columbus convention center by 6pm if u want an ass kicking pic.twitter.com/HLS8WKTiTR
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) April 19, 2014
Come to Midwest Accordion Expo in next 5 hours if u want an ass kicking pic.twitter.com/n0LFYqmGXw
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) August 11, 2014
Come to crystal prison on forbidden mountain in next 35 mins if u want an ass kicking pic.twitter.com/MC05Nb9cui
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) September 1, 2014
My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 21, 2012
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
wait unicorns arent real? are u saying I SUCKED OFF A REGULAR HORSE???
— extremely online guy (@nickmullen) February 27, 2012
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
— everett byram (@rad_milk) January 19, 2015
"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) April 29, 2013
I put the "baller" in "I just ruined my daughter's ballerina recital."
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) October 22, 2014
Best sex position? What you wanna do is get on your knees, spread ur legs for comfort, open the bible and read that til you're married.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 9, 2013
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ 'ʍou
— chris (@BassoonJokes) January 5, 2013
sick of these pseudo "hipsters" in their abercrombie & fitch shirts who probly can't even name one abercrombie & fitch album
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 10, 2012
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 28, 2014
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop's mobile rings]
ME: Please let me go
— Joe West (@joejwest) March 14, 2015
Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.
— Phil Gibson (@philgibson01) June 17, 2013
actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster
— jon hendren (@fart) August 6, 2014
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
— doctor idiot (@jon_snow_420) October 28, 2015
REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album?
OBAMA: What kind of question is —
[biden grabs podium]
BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS
— Blupman (@blippoblappo) April 26, 2014
[Sees bee on my wife's arm]
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe.. stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
— josh (@ruinedpicnic) February 16, 2015
Cop: "Detective, we already had the chalk outline taken care of. His bulge is accurate enough"
Dick Tracy: "Almost finished"
— Velvet Tusk (@velvettusk) March 30, 2015
"This isn't my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) January 17, 2014
Wonder what my high school bf is up to…
(unspools Legolas poster)
Oh wow he's still doing archery that's cool
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) November 12, 2015
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 21, 2014
YOU'VE COMPLETED LIFE!
YOU PLAYED AS: white male
A) PLAY TUTORIAL AGAIN
B) TRY A HARDER SETTING
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) October 29, 2014
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 7, 2015
thomas edison: i have an idea
[a fucked up rough draft of the lightbulb appears above his head]
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 7, 2015
⬅️ Original photo
➡️ Replaced eyes with mouth pic.twitter.com/kJGk9hH7ke
— Danny (@recordsANDradio) February 26, 2016
We hope you all enjoyed the aggregate effort of all of these funny people! This really was the best of Twitter. The funniest tweets of all time. Do you have a tweet that you can recommend? Send it to us, and we’ll take a look and possibly add it to this list! One way we measure if a tweet is funny is by measuring the engagement it gets. If you have a funny tweet, but nobody is liking or sharing it, it might not be that funny. Besides, without the likes and shares, nobody is going to be exposed to your tweet in the first place! Good luck!